So ... here we go. The Male Reality Filter ... I'm going to start by saying that of course, this is not the only place (between men and women) that this system exists.
In fact, in order to make my point clearly I have to use a macro correlative... The macro correlative is western psychiatry. In western psychiatry the client comes for help regarding a part or the whole of their life. Two aspects of this are important to note ... It is assumed that the client has the problem rather than the system that is harming them. The psychiatrists job is generally to 1-gaslight them about this (unknowingly usually, and that's important) by devaluing negative impact (primary function of patriarchy and capitalism) and 2- work to make them fit back into society by adding numbing agents usually while reasserting that the problem lies with them. We know that's harm, built on a lie. But as individual men we do this all the time with the women in our lives.
Before you ruffle, yes I mean every single man regardless of sexual orientation. If you're a man, I mean you. I mean me. No man escapes this programming. There are women that have this programming too, but it's only safe with other women. A woman telling a man his reaction to the reality they share is ridiculous or unreasonable is generally dismissed, or worse, unsafe. The crappy news is that this creates a ton of harm, and makes communication difficult even between "well meaning" men and the women in their lives. The good news? As a man? You get to never stop working on your patriarchal programming because, even if you're in close proximity to a woman, you can go back over your entire life and find places where you did this and FEEL the maneuver.
The maneuver is simple. A woman says something, let's say Acknowledging a problem or voicing a feeling ... And we, as men, pass whatever is being said through our filter to see if what she says actually matters or is reasonable. Dude. That is fucked up. Full stop.
The easiest example to break into assessing is driving with a female passenger. When I was young, I would drive however I wanted regardless of who was in the car. I was a great driver. But driving 85 weaving through cars on the 405, while normal for me as a California driver, was frightening my "just got off the plane" Florida friends. She said so. I said "don't worry." That's it. She was having a totally justified fear reaction to more cars than she'd even seen and me going faster than she could even hope to track. She was brave enough to tell me and I completely dismissed it. Dick move. Her fear reaction in her body didn't matter to me AT ALL because I KNEW her fears were unjustified. So her FEELINGS DIDNT MATTER. Wow. Asshole. We might remember a time like that but not well enough to vibe with the maneuver we did. These days I still put people on edge driving on accident because trained in California I generally "stop late" ... I apologize now and truly I try not to do it. But? THE MANEUVER IS STILL THERE. I am just conscious of it. I still initially "move to dismiss/devalue" ... Ewwwwww. Fuck. But I am looking at this situation because it's REALLY COMMON.
So, if you're a man, think of all the times you've dismissed or devalued the sentiment of a female passenger. Unjustified, unreasonable, unnecessary, blah whatever bullshit that leads us to not protecting her peace while on the road. Now I want you to try to feel the mechanics of the programming. Hear her say what she said, now feel yourself running it through a filter of whether it's valid/important or NOT. You want to fight internal patriarchy? Feel that ^^ Common ones ... She says "lower your voice" I think "I'm not being loud" ... dismiss. She says "calm down you're scaring me" I think "she shouldn't be afraid" ...dismissed. She says "That hurts" We might think "that shouldn't hurt" ... dismissed. She says "I don't like that" We might think "She/Women are supposed to like that" ...dismiss. You watch her freeze or recoil... We might think "I'm not doing anything wrong" ... ignore/dismiss.
Now you might be thinking "what if she is overreacting?" And therein lies the rub. Who made us the fucking authority on THEIR REALITY? PATRIARCHY DID. Devaluation of negative impact is a foundational piece of the system. What a woman says has value only if a man agrees. That's the filter. This is how we show the women in our lives that we don't really value them, respect them, or care about their peace. This is the standard programming. It's fucked. Makes us unsafe for a woman's peace. If we get angry when these things happen? We're even more unsafe ... The reason the world is unsafe at its core is shit like this perpetrated by us and our crappy programming. Good news? It doesn't go away, so there's always work for us to do and progress to be made.