In 1989 Congress designated October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month. As someone who grew up witnessing DV, someone who has experienced DV, someone who has seen friends and family experiencing DV as an adult, I believe this month is critical. I also believe it is critical to drag abuse into the light. Abuse thrives in secrecy and the dark after all.
Domestic violence can take many, many forms, especially in romantic and sexual relationships. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've heard "My partner doesn't hit me, it's not like they're abusive" after I just witnessed public humiliation, coercion, withholding of property, money, love, and/or affection as a means of punishment or control. I also can't tell you how many times I've heard "Why don't they just leave?". The amount of judgement and lack of education on the topic is baffling and fucking deadly.
I'm going to make a few statements.
- Anyone can be abused. Men, women, non-binary folks, straight, gay, bi, Black, White, Asian, Hispanic/Latino, Native, children and adults and everyone in between. Whether physically larger, smaller, average, ANYONE CAN BE ABUSED.
- Not all abuse is physical. Physical abuse can be an escalation, but abuse without the physical component is still serious and devastating.
- Statistics surrounding abuse are incomplete, due to the stigma, the shame, the embarrassment and the fear of retaliation.
- There is never ANY justification for abusing another person, especially when it's someone you claim to love.
- Abusers do not draw their victims in by being abusive, they tend to hide that side of themselves. The cycle of abuse is usually subtle, gradual, and NEVER the fault of the abused.
Awareness of what abuse and domestic violence are can help people escape. It can also help people avoid getting sucked into the cycle.
I think the first thing I want to focus on is what abuse is.
Abuse (in the context of domestic violence) is a pattern of behaviors used by one person to gain or keep power and control over another in a family or intimate relationship. These behaviors can take many forms. They include:
-
Physical
-
Emotional or Psychological
-
Sexual
-
Financial
-
Digital/Technological
-
Spiritual
-
Stalking
Physical abuse can be hitting, kicking, biting, slapping, pinching, hair pulling, choking, stabbing, shooting. Physical violence tends to escalate over time. It is rarely the first type of abuse a survivor will experience. If someone puts their hands on you, or tries to hurt you physically, you need to get out, immediately.
Sexual abuse can be extremely triggering to discuss for S/A survivors. I will try to keep it short and informative. Sexual abuse is the use of sexual contact to control you. Whether that is forcing sexual contact, threating to withhold sexual contact as punishment (which is different from not wanting to engage sexually due to feeling unsafe or just not wanting to in the moment), cheating, it is all extremely damaging.
Emotional abuse is the use of words and behaviors to damage a person's sense of self-worth and emotional safety and wellbeing. It can range from calling you names, belittling you, constantly criticizing you, to blaming you for the abuse you experience and gaslighting. Gaslighting, for the record, is a real thing. It is not simply lying, it is not simply disagreeing. It is INTENTIONAL, MANIPULATIVE lying with the aim of making someone doubt their own reality. It is insistence of your craziness for not believing the lie, then using your eventual doubt in yourself to further twist your idea of your sanity and reality.
Mental abuse is the use of threats and manipulation to control you. It could be threats of harm to you or someone or something you love. It can be isolating you from your friends and family. It can be minimizing or denying the abusive behavior, trying to making you feel crazy or unstable and withholding mental health care or medication.
Financial abuse is the use of money (or lack thereof) to control you. Digital abuse is the misuse of technology to monitor, stalk, and harass you. Spiritual abuse is when they use your beliefs against you, or mock you, or prevent you from practicing your beliefs, or when they use your beliefs to shame, control, and guilt you.
Reproductive coercion is also abuse. This can look like hiding or sabotaging your birth control, pressuring or forcing pregnancy or abortion decisions.
If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, it is important to reach out to people who love you. It is important to get the support you need to prepare to leave.
You cannot heal in the place, with the person, that is destroying you.
RESOURCES:
Get Help: National Domestic Violence Hotline
Call: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Chat: TheHotline.org
Text: START to 88788
loveisrespect.org
udvc.org/abuse
nrcdv.org
justice.gov/ovw/resources-victims-and-survivors
There are state based networks to help. Do not use your own phone or computer to find them if you are in danger. Go to a library, use a friend or family member's phone or computer.
STAY SAFE. No love is worth your life.